What it means now?
Healing is a life long journey for me and as I've gained self esteem I truly started to believe, I am worth it. Everyone has their troubles and experiences that make them who they are. We don’t always leave our parents house with the best solutions on how to deal with anger, money management, common courtesy, and our values can be upside-down. Kids in this environment don’t learn boundaries, they often have problems with trusting people, they can have a harder time finding themselves and nurturing the person they could become. I’ve often looked at it as “wires being crossed” Instead of being taught what one should do in a situation I’ve learned what one shouldn’t do. From a young age I was perceptive of the hostile environment I was in. My writing had helped me distinguish right from wrong since my parents didn’t teach me this. I work diligently on rewiring myself. Having a strong belief in God has helped me stay focused. I have the bible to open and study. I often ask myself “what would Jesus do?” My motto today is: “I have my whole life to become the perfect Christian but God only knows when I’ll ascend”
It took a long string of self destructive behavior before I found my bottom. My steps have been plentiful and they have all been small. You don’t wake up one morning all better with a positive outlook on life. After I started to become okay with the memories I realized that the little girl inside of me needed to have a better understanding of the abuse and daily life I had as a child but today it doesn’t matter much. What matters now is how it affects me today. I don’t dwell on the past but I have to understand what happened so I can change my bad behavior I may have today.
God gives us a path where he will test our will and teach us important lessons if we are willing to be objective about our own lives. My past doesn’t control me anymore. I'm free to be happy. Only through God I have courage and strength. There may always be a frightened child inside me but it is God that gives me the courage to heal. He gives me the power to connect with other survivors, to make a difference in people’s lives and the ability to aid in prevention.